Tell me I do not need to choose but I know I must

In this blog I write about many things and one of them is a list of the struggles I have as a poly-amorous person.

Today i’d like to talk about the desire to have all of someone’s attention.
In your average relationship this is not an issue at all, if you want to spend time with your significant other you simply go find them and choose what you two are going to do together.
You might have to choose if you are going out to the bar or staying at home (to pick on a stereotype) but generally it is smooth sailing.

Often I am put in a situation where one girl desires all of my attention to the exclusion of others.
From a practical standpoint this makes sense and it adds to the amount of together time you get to spend with one of your partners.
The problem arises when one girl wants you all to herself and you have to decide who you are spending time with.

Depending on the day a couple of things can happen.
In the best situation A and B decide to hang out together. In this outcome I get to spend time with both and we all have fun.

Other times one girl will find something else to do leaving me with the other and there is no conflict.
Generally however I either have to choose one or the other or ignore both of them.
It is worth noting however, “I will not make you choose” translates to “Pick one, and I’ll do my best not to complain about it.” in most cases.

I am convinced there is no easy solution to this problem because regardless of what I choose someone is likely to loose out.
If I pick 1: the other is understandably sad.
If I pick neither, then I end up loosing out on company.

Curious to see how other people handle this, feel free to leave a comment.
thanks for reading.

Spend: The trials of sharing part 2 .

Not all of my blog is about polyamory, hence the use of the categories and tags to separate this stuff out for those who find it too much information or a little confronting.
Legally those under 18 or the legal age in your place of residence shouldn’t be reading this as it contains a bit of adult stuff; so if you are make sure you’re not going to get into trouble for it.

So last time I posted on these topics I talked about sharing and the psychological difficulties I struggle with attempting to achieve happiness.
today I’d like to talk about the actual mechanics and the physical messy bits, the stuff people tend to shy away from talking about in polite company. that’s why the rest of this requires you to click the read more link so that if you do: it is on you.

I recall asking a female friend at the time when I was 15 why people were so sensitive about sex, and why cheating was such a big deal.
wasn’t it only sex and a physical act? Did it matter who you did it with and why? Why couldn’t you just do it with whoever with minimum consequences given the ease of access of cheap contraception.
She thought about it for a bit and explained that sex was messy, personal and intimate and you got to see people at their most vulnerable and that people found that precious.
Sex was to be shared between 2 people who were close physically and hopefully emotionally. she was about the same age as me and the answer made sense at the time and still does today. I’ll refer back to this later in the post.
Love and sex are things that are definitely a core part of the human condition and many many things have been written about both concepts over the ages so I won’t try invent the wheel on this blog in that respect.

Fast-forward 20 years, and I become relatively involved with the kink sceen and polyamory.
I learnt about soft limits and hard limits.
for those who have been living under a rock, greatly oversimplified: soft limits are things you would prefer not to do without negotiation and serious consideration: and hard limits are things that you refuse to do.
An example of this is perhaps your partner is okay with spanking as a soft limit and will do it in certain situations but anal sex is an absolute no no and should never happen.
Obviously humans are humans and they change the rules all the time on things which is why we have safe words and the ability to negotiate things as we go along, even if those negotiations might be challenging to both parties.

In the last post I discussed my problems with sharing and lack of compersion. Now we get down to the physical nity gritty details of things that can be a problem.
For ease of typing I’ll use the term “Spend” in place of ejaculation or something more vulgar to both shorten the post and save keystrokes.

When anyone is sleeping with multiple people there are a whole pile of issues that need to be considered.
Contraception: If impregnation is likely to happen, is it desirable and who is the father.
Nicely encapsulated in the saying, “Momma’s baby: Papa’s maybe.”

Sexually transmitted infections: doing your best to avoid them and keep people accountable.
Research seems to indicate that poly people generally try to be more responsible about this sort of stuff and as we are considering the safety of not only ourselves but all our other “fluid bonded” partners we all try to get tested.
Gotta love that in every specialized subject area we involve ourselves in we have a slew of new terminology to come to terms with.
Fluid bonded of course means you are exchanging fluids with another, in hopefully some of the more fun ways you can imagine. People generally don’t include kissing here although theoretically infection is transmittable via this medium so maybe it counts. I’m sure their are poly people that don’t much enjoy their partner sloppily kissing another, all this is a scale from don’t care to deal breaker.

Now the struggle that I am talking about in this blog post is how to deal with the fact that another man has spent in your partner.
Rationally I realize with good contraception and safe practices that the risk of long term consequences are low.
Irrationally what if he gets her pregnant? That should be mine… and all those aggressive testosterone driven rants.

It’s honestly quite difficult to be possessive and say “that is my girl and she belongs to me” when someone else is having their jollies inside her.
Before all the equality people come after me for expressing such sentiments, let us assume for this situation that the girl does wish to consider herself my primary partner and accepts that the proceeding statements are made about her, and that she may find these statements reassuring and comforting: subject to change hopefully with notice.

I’m genuinely curious how much of my aversion to having another man spend in my partner is biological and how much of it is psychological.
Girls often find the concept of more than 1 guy finishing inside them extremely hot, and I would assume that they are biologically wired this way in order to having the highest chance of conceiving.

Guys are likewise often more aroused when multiple girls are around. Obviously having another girl around to make your man hard again is not an option for everyone, but it is handy when it works.

Now group stuff can be fun and many girls enjoy this, especially because they are getting attention from multiple guys. (this is the configuration we are discussing here even though others are possible).
Hopefully all the guys are going to get to finish with her, in her and possibly on her.
I tend to have a bit of a problem with this for a number of reasons I’ll try to note down here, in an attempt to catalogue them.
Ejaculate is messy stuff, it’s wet, sticky and it smells because of all the stuff it has in it.
Nature’s procedure for insemination is messy although we are generally wired to find the experience fun for if we didn’t we might not procreate.
Each guy smells different, and the stuff has a different consistancy. It is a little off-putting for me to smell or in some cases feel or taste the spend of another.
Subconsciously I object to the experience even if rationally I can justify some of it to myself.
I believe this is one of the reasons I like to be first, and I realize this has the potential to inconvenience other guys.

Ultimately I have no choice over what my partner chooses to do with her body; and any suggestions I make are only suggestions.
am I wrong to request that she take a bath/shower after being with another to clean up a little?
this obviously isn’t going to work in group scenes generally.
Is this something I need to learn to be comfortable with or should I have it as some sort of negotiable limit and pay the cost for my inability to negotiate?

Some guys don’t mind at all; taking turns, eating cream pie or getting all messy with the spend of another.
I salute you guys for your open mindedness and flexibility something I have yet to master.
I myself need to be very hot or feel very safe before I will even consider it and the smell is a little off-putting.
As I am not the only person who gets to spend in my partner I guess this is another thing for me to do my best to work on over time.

I suppose this is just another complexity of being poly that the mono people feel they have no issue with because short of an affair they never have to deal with this.

Happy to read any feedback in the comments, please try to remain nice and constructive.
Thanks for reading.

Compersion and my struggles with the poly lifestyle.

This blog post is an attempt to write down some of the feelings related to situations I face in life, and my methods of dealing with them.
If something here resonates with you ; well and good but this is not theroputic advice and no bennifit is intended. If you need therapy don’t use this blog post as a substitute.
If I write poly below, I am just using it as shorthand for polyamorous and not the lattern word meaning many.

Over the years I have learnt that the general idea of the average life is to become a better person, learn from your mistakes and treat people as well as you think they deserve to be treated: understanding that mistakes may happen and you might mess up judgements.
You’re supposed to do what is right, and morally bennificial to society and in short be the best human you can be in your dealing with others.

I have also learnt that humans are messy, we all make mistakes and often we don’t achieve our goals. I’ve also discoverd that many issues in life do not have nice or easy solutions.

Are the failings of a person because the person fails and is responsible for those failures or are they to be chalked up to past history, psychological disorders like ADHD autism etc or other mitigating circumstances?

A couple of weeks ago I discussed the fact that I am not particularly good at polyamory with my primary partner.
I’ll elaborate below and hope for not too much vitriol in the comments of this post.

If you are monogamous and think that polyamory is wrong for whatever reason and you choose not to have an open mind then I would suggest you stop reading here.
If you are looking for a howto manual on the best ways to be poly, this article is unlikely to assist.

I’ve been to plenty of polyamory groups and I feel they are an excellent place to share techniques and tips on how to be poly.
those tips and techniques usually include a set of tools to deal with jealousy that might show up in your relationships.
Many people say that compersion is the solution for them in how to deal with their jealousy.
In case you have not come across compersion as a word, it is deriving joy from another’s joy. So for example you should be happy if one of your partners is sleeping with another person because they are happy. If they are happy then you can be happy.
If this genuinly works for you: I’m impressed and would love to know how you managed it.

Empathy is always something I have struggled with and I may elaborate on that below.

I remember at age 5 watching someone receiving birthday presents. I remember asking what the point was. People told me that the fact that the person was receiving presents made them happy, and that seeing someone happy genuinly made them smile.
this to a point I can understand. Emotion can be contagious and to see others happy can make you happy.
If you are the person making someone happy then this also can have a payback in you beeing happier.
I also learnt that whilst it is more blessed to give than it is to receive, one should give without any expectation of receiving anything in return for the maximum return on giving.

Giving people presents that are useful and desirable is certainly one of the ways one can assist people in being happy.

Happiness is also not universally contagious as I found out. I recall someone winning a prize that contained money.
I recall sitting through the ceremony non-plussed waiting for the prices to be awarded. People asked me “aren’t you happy for them?” to which I replied “No, not really.”
It was here that I learnt that part of being a good human involved experiencing happiness when others are happy.
The theory here is that the more happier people are in general the happier society is as a whole.

Polyamory as you can immagine involves a lot of sharing.
If your partner is allowed to have multiple relationships then it is expected that you share them with others.
Sharing is one of those skills we learn when we are young or we are supposed to learn when we are young.
Keeping something all to yourself is greedy and greed is one of the 7 deadly sins or so it is said.

I believe sharing is important in society for if people did not share then there would certainly be a resource shortage in many areas.
Sharing is rarely fair and equitible in my experience which one can easily see when looking at the world’s population where some are very rich and others are very poor.
Tax isn’t fair, but that is not what this post is about, so I won’t elaborate here.

As a child, I learnt how to share, and that sharing my toys and belongings with others was expected and necessary.
Doing without; and not having a particular toy all the time was supposed to be part and parcel of the experience of the world.

I also sadly learnt that sharing your things often resulted in them getting broken or stolen. Lending someone something did not necessarily mean you would get it back in a usable condition if it was returned at all.
The 2 offered solutions to this involved either dealing with the loss and chalking it up to experience or deciding whether to lend things out in the first place.
I lost many material possessions in my early years to theft and shared goods that were never returned.

Sharing means that you have less, but I was told that keeping everything to yourself was selfish and was to be discouraged whenever possible, because the world would not exist as it does if you did not share.
Those who have everything are less likely to share, and those who have nothing are in the most need of them sharing.

Now it turns out sharing people makes life far more complex.
If one were to get jealous over some other having a particular toy or other this feeling was somewhat transient and one could eventually forget about the toy or go buy yourself one.
Obviously people are not toys, and have sensience and feelings.

Jealousy is something I have always struggled with in my quest to be the best polyamorous person I can be.
I don’t think their are easy solutions to this.
Partners that appreciate you and tell you that you are wanted, loved and desired help an amazing amount.
I remember one of my previous partners always wanting to run away with others, which she finally ended up doing.
I recall the days with butterflies in my stomach trying to keep my mind on anything else so I did not become stuck in thought loops of what if he is better than I am, what if she likes him better than me, what if she leaves me? Am I any good at anything?

Talking through your jealousy with others does help a bit, although that only goes so far.

People said keeping busy helps, and it is true: if you occupy your mind with other things then you do not leave as much room for cogitation.
Idle hands are the devil’s workshop or something like that.
For me though, the trick is to do enough so that I do not think about my partner and what else she might be doing: and keeping all the doubts at bay all the time does not seem achievable in this state.
Trusting her that she still loves me, and will return, gets me about 85-90% of the way to a solution.
I still worry, and frett to a degree, and I don’t stop missing her until she returns.
Perhaps time to press play on “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone” or similar.

I get that relationships are not all rainbows and butterflies and we must work towards compromise and make things as good as we can for each other.

I’ll admit it: I get jealous when my partner goes and spends time and has sex with others.
I try not to make it her fault, or give her a hard time because she does this but it is still something I struggle with whenever it happens.

I don’t feel compersion when she is having sex with others, even when I am present for the act.
I get jealous when she does other things with other people and I get insecure.
It’s not the crippling insecurity that I once felt with the partner that left me, but it is certainly a force to be reckned with.

I had considered going back to a monogamous lifestyle and in the words of Neil Diamond “having one girl who loves you…” but I honestly don’t believe that I am wired this way.
I am tempted by other women, and long for variety in my experiences, and have had many amazing experiences with many amazing people.
I can’t see myself 100% exclusive with one person, although I reckn I can manage 90-95%.
I have no right to dictate the actions of another, and I respect my partner’s choices to be with others even if I do not always agree with them at times.
Whilst she still loves me and returns to me, I guess I simply have to do the best I can to fight my own internal battles in an attempt to feel happier when she is away.

If you have managed to read down this far thanks for reading.