Tell me I do not need to choose but I know I must

In this blog I write about many things and one of them is a list of the struggles I have as a poly-amorous person.

Today i’d like to talk about the desire to have all of someone’s attention.
In your average relationship this is not an issue at all, if you want to spend time with your significant other you simply go find them and choose what you two are going to do together.
You might have to choose if you are going out to the bar or staying at home (to pick on a stereotype) but generally it is smooth sailing.

Often I am put in a situation where one girl desires all of my attention to the exclusion of others.
From a practical standpoint this makes sense and it adds to the amount of together time you get to spend with one of your partners.
The problem arises when one girl wants you all to herself and you have to decide who you are spending time with.

Depending on the day a couple of things can happen.
In the best situation A and B decide to hang out together. In this outcome I get to spend time with both and we all have fun.

Other times one girl will find something else to do leaving me with the other and there is no conflict.
Generally however I either have to choose one or the other or ignore both of them.
It is worth noting however, “I will not make you choose” translates to “Pick one, and I’ll do my best not to complain about it.” in most cases.

I am convinced there is no easy solution to this problem because regardless of what I choose someone is likely to loose out.
If I pick 1: the other is understandably sad.
If I pick neither, then I end up loosing out on company.

Curious to see how other people handle this, feel free to leave a comment.
thanks for reading.

Spend: The trials of sharing part 2 .

Not all of my blog is about polyamory, hence the use of the categories and tags to separate this stuff out for those who find it too much information or a little confronting.
Legally those under 18 or the legal age in your place of residence shouldn’t be reading this as it contains a bit of adult stuff; so if you are make sure you’re not going to get into trouble for it.

So last time I posted on these topics I talked about sharing and the psychological difficulties I struggle with attempting to achieve happiness.
today I’d like to talk about the actual mechanics and the physical messy bits, the stuff people tend to shy away from talking about in polite company. that’s why the rest of this requires you to click the read more link so that if you do: it is on you.

I recall asking a female friend at the time when I was 15 why people were so sensitive about sex, and why cheating was such a big deal.
wasn’t it only sex and a physical act? Did it matter who you did it with and why? Why couldn’t you just do it with whoever with minimum consequences given the ease of access of cheap contraception.
She thought about it for a bit and explained that sex was messy, personal and intimate and you got to see people at their most vulnerable and that people found that precious.
Sex was to be shared between 2 people who were close physically and hopefully emotionally. she was about the same age as me and the answer made sense at the time and still does today. I’ll refer back to this later in the post.
Love and sex are things that are definitely a core part of the human condition and many many things have been written about both concepts over the ages so I won’t try invent the wheel on this blog in that respect.

Fast-forward 20 years, and I become relatively involved with the kink sceen and polyamory.
I learnt about soft limits and hard limits.
for those who have been living under a rock, greatly oversimplified: soft limits are things you would prefer not to do without negotiation and serious consideration: and hard limits are things that you refuse to do.
An example of this is perhaps your partner is okay with spanking as a soft limit and will do it in certain situations but anal sex is an absolute no no and should never happen.
Obviously humans are humans and they change the rules all the time on things which is why we have safe words and the ability to negotiate things as we go along, even if those negotiations might be challenging to both parties.

In the last post I discussed my problems with sharing and lack of compersion. Now we get down to the physical nity gritty details of things that can be a problem.
For ease of typing I’ll use the term “Spend” in place of ejaculation or something more vulgar to both shorten the post and save keystrokes.

When anyone is sleeping with multiple people there are a whole pile of issues that need to be considered.
Contraception: If impregnation is likely to happen, is it desirable and who is the father.
Nicely encapsulated in the saying, “Momma’s baby: Papa’s maybe.”

Sexually transmitted infections: doing your best to avoid them and keep people accountable.
Research seems to indicate that poly people generally try to be more responsible about this sort of stuff and as we are considering the safety of not only ourselves but all our other “fluid bonded” partners we all try to get tested.
Gotta love that in every specialized subject area we involve ourselves in we have a slew of new terminology to come to terms with.
Fluid bonded of course means you are exchanging fluids with another, in hopefully some of the more fun ways you can imagine. People generally don’t include kissing here although theoretically infection is transmittable via this medium so maybe it counts. I’m sure their are poly people that don’t much enjoy their partner sloppily kissing another, all this is a scale from don’t care to deal breaker.

Now the struggle that I am talking about in this blog post is how to deal with the fact that another man has spent in your partner.
Rationally I realize with good contraception and safe practices that the risk of long term consequences are low.
Irrationally what if he gets her pregnant? That should be mine… and all those aggressive testosterone driven rants.

It’s honestly quite difficult to be possessive and say “that is my girl and she belongs to me” when someone else is having their jollies inside her.
Before all the equality people come after me for expressing such sentiments, let us assume for this situation that the girl does wish to consider herself my primary partner and accepts that the proceeding statements are made about her, and that she may find these statements reassuring and comforting: subject to change hopefully with notice.

I’m genuinely curious how much of my aversion to having another man spend in my partner is biological and how much of it is psychological.
Girls often find the concept of more than 1 guy finishing inside them extremely hot, and I would assume that they are biologically wired this way in order to having the highest chance of conceiving.

Guys are likewise often more aroused when multiple girls are around. Obviously having another girl around to make your man hard again is not an option for everyone, but it is handy when it works.

Now group stuff can be fun and many girls enjoy this, especially because they are getting attention from multiple guys. (this is the configuration we are discussing here even though others are possible).
Hopefully all the guys are going to get to finish with her, in her and possibly on her.
I tend to have a bit of a problem with this for a number of reasons I’ll try to note down here, in an attempt to catalogue them.
Ejaculate is messy stuff, it’s wet, sticky and it smells because of all the stuff it has in it.
Nature’s procedure for insemination is messy although we are generally wired to find the experience fun for if we didn’t we might not procreate.
Each guy smells different, and the stuff has a different consistancy. It is a little off-putting for me to smell or in some cases feel or taste the spend of another.
Subconsciously I object to the experience even if rationally I can justify some of it to myself.
I believe this is one of the reasons I like to be first, and I realize this has the potential to inconvenience other guys.

Ultimately I have no choice over what my partner chooses to do with her body; and any suggestions I make are only suggestions.
am I wrong to request that she take a bath/shower after being with another to clean up a little?
this obviously isn’t going to work in group scenes generally.
Is this something I need to learn to be comfortable with or should I have it as some sort of negotiable limit and pay the cost for my inability to negotiate?

Some guys don’t mind at all; taking turns, eating cream pie or getting all messy with the spend of another.
I salute you guys for your open mindedness and flexibility something I have yet to master.
I myself need to be very hot or feel very safe before I will even consider it and the smell is a little off-putting.
As I am not the only person who gets to spend in my partner I guess this is another thing for me to do my best to work on over time.

I suppose this is just another complexity of being poly that the mono people feel they have no issue with because short of an affair they never have to deal with this.

Happy to read any feedback in the comments, please try to remain nice and constructive.
Thanks for reading.

Polyamory is not a Love RAID

Polyamory is not a love RAID

This article is meant to inform those who are not polyamorous about what I believe polyamory is about.

The technical definition of polyamory is “Many Loves” where poly means many and amour refers to love.
People who identify as polyamorus generally have multiple partners and often complex relationship structures.
this article is not a story on why I became polyamorous although if there is interest I can certainly post that story here from my perspective. It explains my original motivations about becoming poly and what has changed over the years.

This article is here to combat a few things that are often said to me about beeing poly, and share my viewpoints on them.

One of the disturbing things that was recently said to me was that my poly relationships are a love RAID.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with what RAID is I point you at the wikipedia article at

In summary RAID is a storage virtualization technology that uses multiple disk drives to provide data redundancy in the case of a disk failure.
If a drive fails in a RAID array the system will continue to operate and rebuild the array when the drive is replaced.

Comparing my multiple relationships to a RAID array is rather insulting both to me personally and to my partners and here is why.

In a RAID array drives are basically interchangeable and when a drive fails you just replace it with another of the same capacity.
All of my partners bring different strengths and skills into my life. I pick my partners because of their indevidual traits and the things that I love about them.
Each person is unique, indevidual and special to me in their own way.
Each partner brings something indevidual and special to my life and experiences.

All relationships have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Losing any partner from my life, or the ability to openly show affection to any partner is always an extremely difficult thing for anyone to deal with.
As each person is indevidual, a loss of any kind brings its own unique pain and challenges.
Whilst my other partners provide a support network and do their best to help me to get through adversity, any loss is keenly felt by me, and I must do my best to work through the grief.
No partner can be replaced by any mix of other partners, regardless of how hard they may wish to do this.

Poly is all about getting more notches on the bedpost.
This is a commonly held belief by many people that polyamory and or swinging is just about getting as much sex with people as you possibly can.
In my case I have 2 separate groups of people I am with.
1 group of people are play partners, and this is made abundantly clear to them. Of course it is always possible for someone to move from the play group into the relationship group as things change.

People in the relationship group are those who are in a relationship with me.
These are people who are close to me, and have a long-term special involvement with me.
People in the relationship group often share in my struggles and help me get through challenges in my life helping out where they can.
Whilst losing a play partner is certainly a cause of pain, the pain from losing someone out of a relationship is far more immediate, sharp and difficult to deal with.

Pure swinging (the idea of sleeping with multiple partners for sex) pre-supposes that long-term bonds are not formed with these people.
One logically has to ask the question, if these encounters are short-term, what is the bennifit in putting all the extra effort into building trust and a relationship is necessary.
Trust is important in any relationship, however people who are in relationships generally have much more access to me and my private information.
Trust tends to be far deeper with those who are in a relationship with me to enhance and strengthen the bonds of that relationship.

All of the people that I am involved in are important to me, especially those who I am conducting a relationship with; and I treat these people and situations with the seriousness that they deserve.

If anyone has any questions or wants me to write more on anything or something else please say so in the comments.

Grace will be out in August

Ok those who don’t want to read about Grace will have moved onto the next entry.

We’ve booked tickets and Grace will be in Australia on the 22nd August on flight QF575 into Perth at aprox 11:15 if all goes well; and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t.

If anyone wants to come to the airport to help me pick her up (i’ll be asking others about this also) or wants to meet her once she arrives after this date you’re welcome, get in touch with me.

I’m scared sure, aprehensive and very nervice.
On the flip side, i’m excited, in love and absolutely dying to meet this wonderful girl who I have gotten to know in the past 7 months.

I’m sure we’ll have our tething problems and our ups and downs; but I know i’ll give this relationship the best chance I can and I am hopeful for the future.
Only a bit over 6 weeks to go. I’ll try not to count down the days.

Do I miss Gemma? Sure I do. She’s allways welcome to talk to me or spend time in the unit, once things have settled if she chooses to do so.
Slogging through this stuff should get easier in time and i’ve still got a lot of stuff to work through.
I love you Grace and am looking forward to the time when you are with me.