Here I am posting in my live journal. Why is it that whenever I get to writing in these things life is in termoil? It’s christmas or coming up on it real fast and I don’t know how I should be feeling. things between Gemma and I are far from stable. When your wife doesn’t know why she married you after a year or even why she has been with you for 4 you tend to wonder a little. People tell me I’m hard to live with. That’s most definitely true. I try my best but I don’t allways succeed. Everything feels so tenuous today; i’m devistated but I can’t cry. I want to try to make things better or at least more stable but I don’t know how. I want to be as happy as I can be but I don’t know how to make the people around me feel happier. I feel so low and sad sacky at the moment and I don’t know what to do to cheer up. The irrational part of me wants to go out and get drunk; have sex with strange women (safely of course) and be irrisponsible. Problem is I can’t drink to forget; my memory is too good. I can’t make my memory bad or I don’t work. If I don’t work I don’t eat. I love my wife so much; it makes me cry to think of loosing her; and heaven knows I don’t want to short out this keyboard. I guess it is good beeing blind becuase I can cry and type at the same time. I suppose that’s something to be positive about. I know my problems are my own and I must solve them; after all we are all in that boat. I suppose I should be cheerful about the things I do for others; my skills and my achievements. right now; that’s no comfort. I could write pages on why I love Gemma; but she knows most of it I would think; and so do most of my friends. I can’t express how much better Gemma has made my life; both materially (reading a tv dinner or a packet of chips) and emotionally. She’s sleeping right now and I dare not wake her. I know there are things to do but I don’t know what order to do them in or where to start. I can’t work on computers right now; I can’t think straight. In some ways I think I am too lucky; and so unlucky in others. I wish I was the type to hide from the world; but I know the world will be waiting for me when I come out. Why do I have to be so damn responsible and analytical? I think i’ll stop writing before you all stop reading. I am sure future posts will be happier; these things happen. I hope to write more positively in this journal soon. I’m looking forward to my paid account; I almost bought one today except friends are giving me one for christmas I believe. I allways seem to want to spend more when I am depressed which some people might think is not possible if they know me. Wonder how the picture looks? don’t think I can be bothered spell checking these entries; since my brain does not have an internal spellcheck. One day I might understand why Gemma rarely makes me angry. Is this love or stupidity or both or neither? I don’t know.