A little happier

well I am a little happier today in ways; but not in others. I am having problems I don’t feel comfortable writing about in this journal and they are waying on my mind.
My maridge remains interesting to say the least; however that said I apreciate the stability and happiness it has brought to my life. Sometimes however it’s a bit of a battle to stay happy when things crop up that upset us.
If having kids means you don’t get sex for 6 months plus I doubt i’ll be in it. I guess that’s another nail in the having kids coffin. Many people find kids cute and joy provoking; unfortunately i’ve never felt that way about them.
Many people say once you have a child this stuff changes; but I have had a child and it sure didn’t. Ironic really since most people live to have children since that is the biological thing to do.
I’m looking forward to taking Gemma to the sleep clynic (or beeing taken as the case may be) and hope it will allow her to get some info on her sleeping problems.
People tell me I am a shit to live with. I guess by impiricle evidence this has to be true for the people that say it but problem is I haven’t found ways of making it easier for people to live with me. I’m particular, pig headed, annoying, pesomistic and a downright pain. even when I do see what I am doing to others it feels as if i’m not really there; i’m standing somewhere outside myself watching what is happening. Afterwoods of course I feel sad and hurt and upset and repentful etc but that’s not really useful.
I used to wonder when I was younger whether getting committed for beeing in sane would make life easier. then I realized that the reason I didn’t want to be committed was because I didn’t want to have to deal with people that had problems far worse than mine.
I used to try to tell myself I was mad, but anyone I said that to would just smile and say, “You’re probably sayner than I am.”
I’ve allways felt strongly about things; and that scares people. I genuinly hate xyzzy and people don’t know what to say because they never thought about it that hard. Then when I really like something people don’t believe me.
People don’t understand that for me there is an incredible difference between hating something and actually beeing destructive about it. I was taught indirectly that you can feel what you want but you can’t do what you want without consequences. As a result I hold a lot of strong feelings about things with no intention of doing anything about them.
I thought I might escape into a Doctor Who today but realized that escaping was exactly that; and it’s not permanent relief from the situation I find myself in.
Gemma has gone to Uni today and I miss her already. This is both romantic and stupid I guess; I love her to bits but I can’t express it physically at the moment.
This is naturally frustrating but not a lot I can do about it for the moment. I wait and see what happens in the long term and try my best to make things as good as they can be. I don’t know where the break even point is and I don’t know what is too much or not enough; I guess that depends on Gemma and I really. Nobody can tell you that sort of stuff.
I know that living with Gemma has brought me untold joy; and has made me happier about my life than anything else has.
I want her to be happy but i’m not sure in what form that happiness takes and whether or not I can help her to achieve this.
I know I need to change but i’m not sure how to effect this. I think I need to meditate more and take time out to relax and calm down.
I also need to motivate myself more; since if I am more positive then I will make more friends. the world can’t be as bad as I sometimes think it is; and it isn’t as good as the unrealistic think it is either. somewhere in the middle would be nice.
that’s all for now; I need to go and actually do something today.

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